{imposter}

sometimes i feel like an imposter.

like i'm pretending to be a skinny girl.

i'm pretending to be a runner. an avid exerciser. a health nut. someone who can give advice on health & fitness.

in reality, i am struggling.

i can feel myself slipping back into that negative self talk.

i feel inferior. not good enough. like an imposter.

i did really good last year.

i am so proud of what i accomplished and how good i felt.

then the holidays hit and i took time off. why? i have no idea. i just got lazy.

i was comfortable and thought i could just slack off.

not only has it effected the way my jeans fit, it has effected my mind set.

i'm grouchy, tired, and just annoyed with myself.

i have been trying to get back in the working out groove. i have tried getting back to my smaller portions of food, not eating after eight pm, etc.

i'm still trying.

but i feel like it's one step forward and two steps back. i will go work out or go out for a run and then eat horrible for the next two days.

or i will eat really healthy and be very mindful of my intake and then sit on the oh-so-comfy couch instead of exercising.

i need my will power back. my commitment back.

commit was the word for january and i feel like i have spent this whole month trying to recommit.

so today, right now, this is my pity party of one.

i'm emotional, frustrated and slightly annoyed.

tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities.

 

something else that has been on my mind is the fact that what I'm feeling right now is really sort of pointless in the grand scheme of life.

don't get me wrong, getting healthy is extremely important, but when i read back through what i just typed, i can't help but to acknowledge that i have a wonderfully supportive husband, four amazingly sweet children, we are all {relatively} healthy.

no huge life crisis'.

lots of other people are losing their children to horrible diseases, watching their spouse struggle through treatments, waking up to one less family member because of a tragic accident.

who am i to complain that i don't feel like getting on the treadmill?

when i put that all into perspective, i kind of want to slap myself.

i'm done feeling like an imposter.

i am who i am.

i may not be able to run the distance i want, at the time i want to do it in, but guess what? i hated running a year ago. i couldn't run for five minutes. and now i'm doing it...albeit slow as a snail...but i'm doing it. i may not be a runner, but i am running. i may not be the size i'd like to be, but i am in shape. i may not exercise every single day, but i know that i can keep up in a boot camp class. i may not eat the healthiest things all the time, but i try and have balance and moderation.

i am not perfect.

people don't expect me to be perfect.

i should not expect myself to be perfect.

 

being perfect is no fun!

 

{man, this blog is so therapeutic at times.

thanks for baring with me through all that.}