Saturday, January 25, 2014

{imposter}

sometimes i feel like an imposter.
like i'm pretending to be a skinny girl.
i'm pretending to be a runner. an avid exerciser. a health nut. someone who can give advice on health & fitness.
in reality, i am struggling.
i can feel myself slipping back into that negative self talk.
i feel inferior. not good enough. like an imposter.
i did really good last year.
i am so proud of what i accomplished and how good i felt.
then the holidays hit and i took time off. why? i have no idea. i just got lazy.
i was comfortable and thought i could just slack off.
not only has it effected the way my jeans fit, it has effected my mind set.
i'm grouchy, tired, and just annoyed with myself.
i have been trying to get back in the working out groove. i have tried getting back to my smaller portions of food, not eating after eight pm, etc.
i'm still trying.
but i feel like it's one step forward and two steps back. i will go work out or go out for a run and then eat horrible for the next two days.
or i will eat really healthy and be very mindful of my intake and then sit on the oh-so-comfy couch instead of exercising.
i need my will power back. my commitment back.
commit was the word for january and i feel like i have spent this whole month trying to recommit.
so today, right now, this is my pity party of one.
i'm emotional, frustrated and slightly annoyed.
tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities.
 
something else that has been on my mind is the fact that what I'm feeling right now is really sort of pointless in the grand scheme of life.
don't get me wrong, getting healthy is extremely important, but when i read back through what i just typed, i can't help but to acknowledge that i have a wonderfully supportive husband, four amazingly sweet children, we are all {relatively} healthy.
no huge life crisis'.
lots of other people are losing their children to horrible diseases, watching their spouse struggle through treatments, waking up to one less family member because of a tragic accident.
who am i to complain that i don't feel like getting on the treadmill?
when i put that all into perspective, i kind of want to slap myself.
i'm done feeling like an imposter.
i am who i am.
i may not be able to run the distance i want, at the time i want to do it in, but guess what? i hated running a year ago. i couldn't run for five minutes. and now i'm doing it...albeit slow as a snail...but i'm doing it. i may not be a runner, but i am running. i may not be the size i'd like to be, but i am in shape. i may not exercise every single day, but i know that i can keep up in a boot camp class. i may not eat the healthiest things all the time, but i try and have balance and moderation.
i am not perfect.
people don't expect me to be perfect.
i should not expect myself to be perfect.
 
being perfect is no fun!
 
{man, this blog is so therapeutic at times.
thanks for baring with me through all that.}


5 comments:

Robyn Jordan said...

This is my favorite blog post from you ever!!! So real! I can relate to everything you said. You are an inspiration, you are not an imposter. Everyday is a new chance to recommit. Forget everyday, every hour, every minute. This post helped me recommit now. :)

So thankful for our journey. It wouldn't be nearly as sweet if it were easy. Let's enjoy the view along the way and remember it's not what's at the finish line that's what is most important.

Hope Jeffcoat said...

exactly what I needed to be reminded of. it's the journey, not the destination!!!

Losing Weight After Baby said...

Hy there, i like you're post and bookmarked youre site. I'm a mom like you trying to lose some weight.

I lost over 45lbs but need to get off more :)

If you want take a look here, a site about Losing weight after baby , that helps me to keep my mind positive !

A Life by Steph said...

Hope, I am a find of Robyns, I haven't met you. But its like you went into my head, read my deepest thoughts and stole them from me, posting them as your own! Every single word! I feel a little violated, gotta admit, but it's about time someone called me out!
In all seriousness, can I just say WOW !?
I won't ask to copy your post, but if I am ever brave enough to admit my thoughts to the world, I might just have to.
Congratulations and I will be following you ladies on your amazing journey of health and blogging. Oh and nice to meet you, I'm Stephanie :)

Hope Jeffcoat said...

What? There are 2 of us out there?!?!? ;)
It's so nice to meet you Stephanie. Let's just keep remembering that this is a journey and not a destination. We are not perfect, and thank goodness!! :)
Hoping to hear from you again on here...
Good luck in your journey!