Butterflies ::: Robyn

It's been nearly 9 months since I had my thyroid removed. It has been a really big deal for me, life changing, and life defining. The thyroid is naturally the shape of a butterfly. It is often portrayed as a butterfly, especially by people who struggle with thyroid issues. I was never really a butterfly person before all of this, but now I recognize their beauty. The butterfly has become a symbol to me of what I lost. But, more importantly it is a symbol of what I can become.

The story of the butterfly

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly.

One day a small opening appeared.

He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours

as it struggled to squeeze its body through the tiny hole.

Then it stopped, as if it couldn't go further.

So the man decided to help the butterfly.

He took a pair of scissors and

snipped off the remaining bits of cocoon.

The butterfly emerged easily but

it had a swollen body and shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch it,

expecting that any minute the wings would enlarge

and expand enough to support the body,

Neither happened!

In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life

crawling around.

It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness

and haste did not understand:

The restricting cocoon and the struggle

required by the butterfly to get through the opening

was a way of forcing the fluid from the body

into the wings so that it would be ready

for flight once that was achieved.

Sometimes struggles are exactly

what we need in our lives.

Going through life with no obstacles would cripple us.

We would not be as strong as we could have been

and we would never fly.

As I struggle to figure things out for myself, I think to myself of the butterfly. I picture myself squeezing through that little hole. Struggling, learning, growing, becoming better than I was yesterday or am today. I'm excited to see what I can become. I'm excited to learn through my struggle and when I'm ready to really fly.                                 

Day of surgery

                                             

Today 

This last week has been good. I've been tracking my calories most days. I've been to the gym several days. I'm really  happy to say that I lost 2 lbs this week. 

I feel like more importantly though, I have really started the healing process in my mind and soul. I don't think the physical healing can really come for me until I figure out my mental and emotional demons. As I move forward I hope I can share that with all of you. 

Back to my favorite poem and mantra in life:

I will ..... bend at it, sweat at it, smile at it too, for after the bend and the sweat and the smile, will come life's victories after a while. 

Because my body is a temple and I want to fly!

xoxo Robyn

Here's to Health and Happiness ::: Robyn

I have been thinking about blogging for some time. Hope and I will talk about it every now and then. We say we're going to get back to it. I'm thankful Hope got us going again. I'm hoping this can be a positive place for me. I'm hoping that it can help heal me. I'm hoping that it can motivate me and that as we share our journeys and our lives, together we can find improvement, health, and happiness.

Like Hope said, this is so scary. I'm crying already as I type. I thought maybe I'd start blogging again after I built a little confidence, after I'd found a little success. That is definitely not the case right now. But, maybe blogging will help me find that confidence and success.

The last couple of years have been difficult for my body in so many ways. As my thyroid has attacked itself and my body I haven't felt very well. I have struggled with all of the classic symptoms of thyroid disease. Acne, extreme fatigue, anxiety, body and joint aches, weakness, dizziness, brain fog, memory problems, hair loss, brittle nails, depression, sensitivity to temperature both cold and hot, racing heart, and weight gain. I'm not going to expand on all of that now, but long story short after dozens of tests, medication and the waiting game, last November I decided it was time to have the surgery. My thyroid was removed along with nearly 30 nodules. No cancer.

I hadn't felt well for months, really years leading up to this. After losing those 25 pounds a few years ago while blogging, I had gained all of that back and so much more. My goal originally had been to lose 70 pounds. I now need to lose more than a 100 pounds. I don't want to focus on that too much though. It's stressful and overwhelming.

My perspective after having these health challenges is also so different. I really couldn't care less about what size my jeans are. I really couldn't care less if they have booty bling. I really couldn't care less about what the world thinks about my body and if I am what the world considers beautiful. I want a healthy body. I want to be capable of doing all the things my family needs. I want to go on water slides with my kids. Maybe horseback riding, hiking, and bike riding. I want to run, and not be weary; and walk, and not faint (Isaiah 40: 31).

I'm excited to share my journey with you. To share my recent struggles with you and I'm hopeful that I'll have some successes to share as well.

We are all walking a difficult road. We cannot possibly understand or know what is going on in the life of the person next to us. So, let's be more understanding, more compassionate, and help lift one another. Let's seek to look for the good and beauty in everyone we meet. For me, that part is easy. It's applying that same principle to myself that is the challenge.

I'm not exactly sure what this blog will look like moving forward for me. Will I weigh in once a week and share with you? Will I post healthy recipes or my new favorite exercise? I'm trying to sorta figure things out for myself. I'm excited for the future though. I'm hopeful and optimistic that I can do hard things. I'm determined to be the person that I want to be, to become the best version of myself. But, I'm a mess of a work in progress. First things first, I'm trying to love myself in the process. So, I'll blog when I feel inspired to. I'm excited to share my journey with all of you.

scary...

not sure what to say except, this is scary...

robyn and i have talked over the last year about starting to blog again. why? because it hold us accountable and we enjoy sharing our journey in hopes that it may help or motivate others.

well, this is definitely a journey. there is no "i'm done", which i have learned the hard way over the past year.

since losing right around 50 lbs, i have put... {whispering} 36 back on. 

now, just give me a moment to go cry and feel sorry for myself....

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ok, i'm back....wait, hold on....

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ok, i think i'm good now.

MOVING ON!

here's the thing: once i met this *goal* i set for myself, i felt like i could just sit back. my workouts started trailing off, i started eating whatever i wanted because, well, my jeans fit, so who cares? just once wouldn't hurt. and then, just one week without working out won't hurt. and then, it turned into my clothes getting a bit tighter...and tighter...and tighter...until...my jeans split open (true story). and then, it turned into my husband coming to me asking the age old question "why are we paying for the gym when you're not going?" UGH! 

through all this, i had moments of exercise and eating better, but i wasn't dedicated to it. i didn't feel that fire like i had before. i'm not even sure what to call it, but i know that whatever i felt when we first started this blog, i didn't feel that anymore. i was sad about how i looked, but mostly how i felt! and i wasn't sure how to get back to where i was.

well, i'm still not, but i've decided to just start over and mimic what i did last time. start with exercise that interests me and gets me excited. things that make me feel strong and good. not necessarily things that others like or fads that come in and out, but things that i enjoy and also, things that i want to try.

i also am taking a longer look at what i'm consuming and when. i'm not to the point of only eating whole foods or anything yet; maybe i'll get there, i would like to get there...but i'm doing this at my pace.

so i saw read this little article today and it is actually the catalyst for this blog post. it made me smile and i knew i had to share it, so enjoy and let me know what you think.

let's excercise because we love our bodies, not hate them. via verilymag.com 

xo - hope